Sitting in Moments/Settling
Growing up, I have always been afraid of creaks and groans and noises, especially those in the dark. Though this must be natural to most, I am sure this is most natural for a child and their curiosity.
When I was younger, those creaks and groans could mean several things. It could mean that my mother came by my room to check if I was awake when I should be sleeping. It could mean a monster was bidding it’s time under my bed. It could mean a robber was sneaking throughout the house while everyone else was asleep. It could mean a clown in the corner of my room or Freddy Krueger was hiding in my closet.
The last few were just paranoia in my head. They were fake; they were fiction. But surely they were real in my mind, the mind of a child. Movies and TV shows inflicted me with this paranoia, though I guess I can always blame my brother for making me watch them with him.
As I grew older, I somehow learned the term for all these creaks and groans I heard unexpectedly at night. The creaks that sounded like careful foot steps on loose floorboards, the groans that echoed the opening of doors and squealing of closets were coming from a place of self care. I learned that it was just the house settling.
I’ve always liked that term since hearing about it. The house is settling.
It helped me rationalize a lot of the thoughts I had when I was younger, an age when I was much more scared. Paranoia rarely loomed over my head since then. There was no clown in the corner of my room, no Freddy Kreuger in the closet, no robber sneaking throughout the house. It was just the house settling.
The phrase has always made my home more human to me. My home was getting itself comfortable.
Recently I’ve been finding myself in mid sighs, finding myself in between moments. I think it’s just me trying to get comfortable.
They say anything can happen within seconds, but what happens in between those seconds? What sits in between the ticking hand of the clock? What hides between the the turn of a number? The moments between a second seems so miniscule, a small fragment in time, but I find myself in mid sigh between each second.
It is as though I am sitting in moments. The world pauses itself for a bit; everything moves slowly then accelerates itself back to the present. It is as though I have been given some time of relief, a moment of self care.
Though I find it funny when I am graced with this phenomenon, when I am allowed to sit in between moments.
It occurs when I am stressed, in between work. After I finish a question to an assignment, I take an inhale, my head rolls back, and I let out a long breath as I stare at the ceiling. I gather a sense of euphoria as my spine extends itself so that my head can rest on the small of my back and I feel a slight cold breeze pass by me. My body releases some aura of stress away.
It also occurs in between some of my better moments. After a short and fun conversation with friends on a Zoom call I would find myself in mid sigh. My eye sight would stop at my window with morning light passing through it and creating shadows on my floor. My chest will heave up as I take some air into my lungs. My head will drop slightly, chin pointed into my chest. My mouth opens as if I were to whistle and expel the air in my lungs as I stare at that window with glazed eyes, looking but not really at what is before me.
I feel a weight of exhaustion leave me, but I am left feeling some sort of emptiness, hollow. But I do not know if that is a good enough word to explain how I feel. I feel hollow yet heavy at the same time, as if there is this emptiness, this void in me that is also physically exhaustive.
I would pause and recognize me sitting in between moments and feel a sense of heavy dread. Then I accelerate to the present and continue my day.
It is confusing. It feels like a moment of self care. Other times it is a reminder of heavy weight and trauma and issues I am dealing with. These breaths are either sighs of relief to relieve my stress or echoes of the hardships I am facing.
I’d like to think of them as both — each breath, a reminder of where I am. A reminder that I am human, that I am undergoing stress, and that I need relief. I deserve relief.
I was having a discussion with a counselor a few days ago about how I was stressed personally, academically, and professionally. He asked if it was sustainable, my workload. I said, “No”.
He told me that the body responds in the ways it feels best to take care of itself. It doesn’t differentiate stress, the good kinds and bad ones. It just tries to take care of itself.
He continues to ask me what I needed, what can help me now.
I knew there was nothing he could provide, nor was there anything I could provide for myself. Because what I need can’t be given, not by some mere mortal at least.
I needed time. Time to go slower or increase itself in the day so that I have more time for my work, for studies, and most importantly, for myself. Because I preach that everyone should be happy and follow their passions, when I myself couldn’t. I don't want to be hypocrite. I needed more time.
I think this is why I sit in between moments. I think this is why my body takes it sighs when it needs to. My body is only reacting in ways it can help me cope with my stress. It is making time for itself, for me.
My body finds moments for me to get comfortable with myself, to align and adjust myself to the day.
A second begins. *A deep inhale*
A second ends. *A release of breathe*
And life continues.
I suppose I can say that the house is settling. My body is settling; I am settling, settling with myself, with my body, with my identity. Each sigh is just me trying to become more comfortable.
